Every Hair For Itself
and 10 other surprises post 2nd open-heart surgery
Even though I knew what I was getting myself into, there was still plenty that surprised me this second go-around.
I am surprised that over half my hair fell out in big clumps, clogging the drain for over two months after surgery. At month 5 post-op, hair began to regrow, but in wild directions and in a slightly different color and texture. The top of my head is a choose-your-own-adventure for all the hairs, poking out in every direction. It’s every hair for itself.
I am surprised that my body needed daily, non-negotiable naps for weeks and continued many more weeks than after the first surgery. Each day, the need to nap came on suddenly, as if my life depended on rest. There are still days when the sudden urge to nap grips me. I call it Sudden Onset Nap Syndrome.
When I returned home after a prolonged time at sea level to heal, I was and still am surprised by the overwhelm I feel on a daily basis. There are days that I stare at the floor, wondering what just happened to me. I wonder what it was all for and what I should do now. I have contemplated this for months and am still contemplating it now. I fear I’ll never figure it out.
While I haven’t been surprised by the inevitable cardiac depression, what has surprised me is the tight grip it continues to have on me. Coupled with new complications, I am a real ball of laughs.
I continue to be surprised by how crowds overwhelm my nervous system, and going to a party wipes me out for days.
I am surprised that I have compared myself to others lately (not my normal go-to behavior). Everyone else is going about their lives - raising kids, getting raises at work, prepping for career changes, planning vacations, winning awards, getting published, running in marathons... I, on the other hand, celebrate that I wake up each morning. I get extra excited if I only cough up a minimal amount of fluid and my weight is unchanged from the previous day.
While still in the hospital, I was surprised by the complications. My left lung filled with 500mL of fluid that needed draining before I could leave the hospital. I was equally surprised that one of the residents assisting the attending doctor while he drained my lung asked for advice on whether he should take a job in Casper, WY. “I don’t love that for you,” I said as we watched a bag fill with bloody fluid from my lung. “It’s too windy there. And it’s not as cool a city as Cleveland.” I said with some authority since I had visited Cleveland a total of four times by then.
I was surprised by the extended stay in the hospital, how much it physically weakened me, and it would take longer to heal. At month 6, I am very surprised that I am already prepping to return to Cleveland for further testing due to new complications.
I’ve been quite surprised by how my body has changed. It’s changed so much that I’ve had to reinvent my wardrobe to fit me. I’ve lost 30 pounds. Impatience with uncomfortable clothes has left me to search for new clothing companies that feel cute and cozy.
Each day, I am surprised by the love that overwhelms me when I see
a bird
a flower
my dog
my cats
a dear friend
my husband walking in from a long day at work.
Love hits differently when the heart is intentionally stopped, and the body survives it. Most days, the love feels so vast and overwhelming that I can’t get it out of my heart fast enough. I saw a hummingbird yesterday, and I told it how much I love it for being here and congratulated it on a successful migration. I’ve been welcoming all the birds in this way for weeks. “Thank you for being here,” I’ve said, over and over.
I am surprised that I wouldn’t trade my heart challenges for anything else. Without it, there would be no surprise. No living in hourly awe of the world. Instead, I’d be caught up in the human conditioning of American society, striving for more, wanting more, never having enough. I’d miss the simple visit with a hummingbird or the smell of my husband after a hard day’s work, rushing past the most important moments of life.
And by missing those moments, at the end of my life, I’d be left without any surprise.
How sunlight highlights my tulips in the morning never ceases to amaze and surprise me.
What beautiful surprises do you enjoy each day? Inspire us in the comments. xo
The smell of coffee that I didn’t make, to wake me when I know don’t want to miss the sunrise but also love rolling over for five more minutes…Watch more sunrises my friend. Soak in the daylight and let it pour from your soul☀️☀️☀️ Always sending you positive vibes, all the good thoughts, sweet prayers, and whatever mental mojo you need right at this moment 😘
When I was recuperating just after my unexpected urgent open heart surgery, people would ask me if I was feeling down. For me it was just the opposite, I told them I was waking up every morning grinning ear to ear. I completely understand why you said you wouldn’t trade your experience. It is a cliche, but life really does look and feel different from this side of the experience. Wishing you complete heart health!